I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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