Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
