Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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