You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Randomize