Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Houston, we have a blender
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
