M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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