Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
