The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
