WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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