member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
