my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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