Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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