Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
