A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
