There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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