there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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