Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
