oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
if only i could text you this smell
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
