Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
