the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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