why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
we're chasing vodka with high fives
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I think your dad took our porno
I'm getting married
To pizza
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
