It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
