I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
