if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
