508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I CAN MOONWALK!
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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