We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
