His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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