apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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