If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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