Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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