Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
