even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
