okay pat passed out under dana's car
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
