i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
