The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
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