so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
