you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
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