I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
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