Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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