Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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