Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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