The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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