I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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