I think I won the penis lottery.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
