Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
