I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
