Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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