I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
