She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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