So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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