she was so not down for the gang bang
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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