glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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