you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
