I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
