ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
