That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize