If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
