I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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