i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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