Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
