Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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