Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
