I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
