the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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