John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Just pee around me
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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