Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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