My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
