Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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